At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
