Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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