Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
