Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
