Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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