i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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