i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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