I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
