guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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