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found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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