Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
