I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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