Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
God I need to hump something, right now.
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