Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
