Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
