I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
