there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
