Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Sext me about skeletons
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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