At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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