I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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