Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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