I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
