Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
