I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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