I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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