Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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