tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
there is glitter all over my balls
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
