I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
