Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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