I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
