Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
