I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
