I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
