i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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