Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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