I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
