My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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