So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i think my mom watched the whole time
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
