On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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