it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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