haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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