My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
