She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
