Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
