Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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