look no pants
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
