I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
