so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
