my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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