i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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