i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
