i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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