i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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